%BEYOND WORDS

9:34 PM

Monday, May 31, 2010

u appeared to me so unexpectedly you know you might really going to kill me with you and your new girl at that moment i was anxious i didn't know what to do i looked down at my file clutching my fist so hard that my fingers inside hurt you walked past me i didn't know whether you saw me and my heart thudded so fast so speedy that it was like so outta control at that very moment everything of mine awakened and i was fully awoke from my little dreams i understood every single thing and facts i think i should say thank you to you to show my gratitude so much you walked passed me and the wind you made blew on my face and your face flashed like i flicked through albums but soon it was all gone with me havin a smile on my face and relief in my eyes it was an unexpected monday afternoon and it also was an unexpected light mood i had ....

5:18 PM

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

sittin here thinking bout the past it is really killin me ..
i am always the unlucky one ...
not really
there is always moments i am lucky though ..
the one i wanted always not gonna be mine ...
well it is enough killin for me ...right ?well
do u still remember the first conversation we had ?
do u still remember the very first joke we had ?
do u still remember how many stupid things i had done just to talk to u ?
do u still remember the place we used to go ?
guess that u dun ..
cause ppl should always forget bout the past ..like i am doing it now
i apppreciate cheryl and gegod ...
she loves her dearly ..
i dunno gegod whether he is the same ..well
i am the outsider i shall not comment anything
but really
i am not regret or anything ..
but if i were given a chance i really would like to go back
i would talk the same conversation with u ...
i would tell u the same stupid joke
i would do many stupid things or even stupidest things just to talk to u ...
i would go to the place and wait for u
but i wouldnt pace myself to that path anymore ....

8:34 PM

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

i got over you ...
here are some reveals of our conversations , ENJOY :)

H-Him
M-Me

M: you ain't gonna reply are you ?

-HALF AN HOUR LATER-

H: what do u want? ( this hurts me LOADS )
M: did i ever say i want something?i just want yr replies..and that's it...and do u have to use "what do u want?"
H: why can't i ?
M: ok u can ,u always can do whatever u want ...
H: yeah ...
M: u r so robot so wolf
H: wolf ?
M: bloody
H: well, tat's me
M: well ,i know ..so i wanna ask something ..do u really have to hate me ?
H: maybe,or maybe not
M: why do u have to hate me?
H: i din say i hate u
M: u said it is a maybe or maybe-not
H: i din hate u
M: ok ,so you win ...cant we be friend ?
H: well u should know the answer since u r my ex
M: i am yr ex doesnt mean anything much
H: yeah u r right
M: so nevermind ,u can do whatever u like since i already tried this out
H: whatever

and that was where our conversations ended ...
i tried one thing
and u din accept it ,it is not what i can control and manipulate anymore right ?
i got over u
i am happy ...
i am finally put u down ,and have my ways on ... :)

6:16 AM

Sunday, May 23, 2010

i thought the number was him ...
but at last i found out it was not ...
disappointment tears me into raggedy pieces ...
i would not haul them back ...

11:04 PM

Saturday, May 22, 2010

i saw u ...
i really did ...
u have the same smile ...
u have the same eyes ...
u have the same sharp contour ...
u look the same ...or maybe even better ...
u have the same naive smile ...
and the same isolation u always do to yrself ...
you always do that ??
or maybe because of my appearance that made u so bad ??
if u feel 100 times worse ,i think i am going to be 101 worst ...
we have so many used to ...
i feel so overboard lookin at u ...
i dunno i couldnt explain why ...
i wanted to talk to u but u were so far ...
so so so so so far like i am on earth u were on pluto ...
feelins cut through me ,into pieces ...
i feel so heavy ...so unmovable ...
my lips set hard i couldnt make any curves ...
i wanna shut my eyes ...i cant ...
u are really torturing me ...
there's so many i wanted to ask u
how ya been doing
are u fine ?
are u happy ?
did i make u feel bad ?
u hate me ?
are u still treating people the same way u always do ?
why u never reply any of my texts ?
did u read my text ?
yr phone expired ?
why ?
why u never show up ?
all these questions are going to be inside forever...

9:45 PM

Friday, May 21, 2010

yesterday i saw u...i felt my stomach turning a little...and then...i think i had walked away...i used to love you...you used to be part of my life...you used to pass most of my time with me...used to...maybe i wasn't brave enough to face u?or i wouldn't want you to feel bad when u see me?or both?i didn't know which one...but i know one thing...u live yr life well and it was glad i saw that...well everybody is movin on and they had moved on...they need to especially when they had started their new life...well...i feel better?or i don't?who knows...just let them to fall wherever they may...

8:59 PM

Thursday, May 20, 2010

again,i walked outside cottage,cause i thought i need a relax...i was so stressed right at that moment...i didn't know which one was right...and which was wrong...everyone had a different stories to tell...but they have one common in themselves...they are always and always protectin themsleves and they would hurt others...i loathe this...this is so far for me to accept...the sky looked great...the sunset dyed the sky orange and the weather was cool...windy,i always love this...reassuring and calm...i am always not those who can survive within a fight...i am too weak for that...i sat in the bench...the same position i sat on last time Alan brought me...he sat at the left while i was on the right...without Alan talking to me i felt so alone sitting there...last time he told me sort-of-his-story...i would like to tell him mine this time...but i wouldnt do so...cause i know i couldnt...

10:53 PM

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

life sometimes getting real slow and easy and it really is depends on how u r going to take it ...i am having my slow slow slow slow slow time of course...cause i woudlnt want to grow old so soon... and this sunday i am going to have test...i believe i can cope with it...i miss u so much...when can is see u ...who knows? God does .. ;)

8:42 PM

Sunday, May 16, 2010

that day after my course,it was still early and so Alan brought me out for a walk instead of going home...we walked along the windy promenade,gasping as the wind snatched our breath away...it was so cold...he was crunching a chocolate digestive biscuit and he asked me whether if i fancy for a bite...i said no...we both sat silentlyon the bench...it was not awkward...i looked at the sky,the sky was sort of like brilliant blue with vermillion orange that u can only see on picture postcards...the color of the blue and orange wasn't really match but surprisingly it looked great...the lake was not calm as the wind blew by...Alan broke the ice finally by bringing up a word "beautiful?" ....I nodded but i didnt know whether he had paid attention to my nodding...he gave me another new digestive biscuit and i started eating while he sort of like telling me a story...he said he thought his happiness was going to last forever...and suddenly it all powdered into tiny flecks of ash,floating away...he said it felt really bad when the one minute he had everything he wanted in the world and the next it was being snatched away from him...i must have stopped eating as i was so wrapped up in the story...he had a deep,long sighed and then we started walking on,back to the cottage we stay...i had to lengthen my stride almost to a run to keep up with him...i could see that he was upset and he woudn't want anyone to know,at least not now...when we were walking home it was another silence and neither of us try to break it...i was trying hard to keep up with him...his hands on his pocket i thought i could see his hands trembling inseide his pocket...he was so afflicted...it scared me...when i was home,after taken my bath,he gave me a mail...he said,"i know u will be thinking bout it all nght long,sorry for keepin u up tonight." ... "Alan we are best friend don't we ?do u know when you are upset you are so ugly,i don't like it...you have me with you,that does sound corny biut i know u will love it ;)" ... and i was off to bed,and Alan kept me up that night...

9:54 PM

Thursday, May 13, 2010

i am sititng on a chair having cereals for my supper...it is healthy and i hope it will not get me fat so easy...i took out the watch that i would bring whenever i go...a broken watch...a black watch...with pink,blue,and yellow stars...and a cute girl smilin widely in the middle of all those colorful stars...flashback started and there are so much memories run through my mind...the broken watch was from my dad...my very first bday present...when i was around 4?i couldn't really remember...it has been a long long while...i hate this watch so much,so much...it always remind me of my broken family...the broken relationship between dad and mum...he is the man that left my mum,he left my brother,and me...he left us...without even coming back to visit us...not even once...he left my mum smoking,crying,drownin in affliction,and she was like she had lost her soul,just one more pace then she was going to be very near to death...by the way,she is tough and strong now...she is always the superheroin in my heart...whenever she is,it secures me...14 years went on,we live fine...everything is alright...my brother is naughty and he still sleeps most of the hours apart schooling...my mum nags me little things...i type casually in front of this computer now...we are able to smile,happily,even wothout you...

10:03 AM

Sunday, May 9, 2010

mom !! i love u !!
i want to be by yr side always and always !!
i miss yr cookin so much so much !!

8:05 PM

Saturday, May 8, 2010

love is not bout finding the right person but creating the right relationship
it is not bout how much love u have in the beginning but how much love you build till the end ...

-Teacher Genevieve

11:02 PM

Friday, May 7, 2010

i still cant sleep
i wonder why
but what i wonder the most is what u are doing
what you are thinking
how you are feeling
and it is goin to be mother's day soon
mum i LOVE you ..
and sorry for cant stayin beside you to celebrate with you
but my misses and wishes are always conveyed to you ,and only you !!
mum , i LOVE you !!

8:05 PM

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

CHARLESTON
this is where i am now
i got off from charleston international airport
i love the Arthur Ravenel Jr. Bridge which alan drived through
it is so gorgeous !!
the cable-swayed so amazing !!
we are heading to the city of Folly Beach
its population is around 2100 ++
it is where we are going to live when we are in charleston
actually we are here to take a short course
which is bout management and PR something like that
i am glad i was chosen
well at first i was kinda anxious
so much things to worry bout
but actually it is not a need at all lOl
the Mayor Tim Goodwin welcomed us passionately
and show us our place of living
he is a nice man
and indeed, charleston s loving place where i am going to love it so much

7:10 PM

Sunday, May 2, 2010

today i went out with my friends
it is not so fun
yet not so boring
it was okay
and i was not okay !!
i bought things ,always
i can't control myself very well in buyin
lOl
so i spent kinda lots
i bought stationeries like pens,cutter,paper file,A4 paper pack,MICKEY's notebook !!
and i bought two pyjamas-liked clothes ,which i love it alot
lOl cause i look good when i wear that on myself haha !!
my fren jeane bought together with me
she bought red & orange
i bought light blue & milky dark blue ( iLOVEthat !!)
there's something i wanna buy again !!
well
not now ...
next time ;)